Saturday, January 1, 2011

2011 Jokes and Laughter Therapy for a start....

2011 Jokes for a Start

video


To start a year with smile and fun, I would like to share with you some jokes (during the past years) that were emailed to me, shared to me, sent to me or found online:

Have a blessed New Year to one and all!!


JOKES AND HUMOR

THE WEAKEST LINK" PINOY-STYLE


Host: What "N" (narra) is the national tree of the Philippines?

Contestant: Niyog?

Host: Mas matigas pa diyan.

Contestant: (in a strong-sounding voice) NIYOG!!!

-----

Host: Saan "B" (Bagumbayan) binaril si Jose Rizal?

Contestant: Sa back?

Host: O sige, puwede rin na ang simula ay letter "L" (Luneta).

Contestant: Likod?

Host: Hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, "R.P." ang initials ng modern
name nito (Rizal Park).

Contestant: Rear Part? (Susme! Likod pa rin yun!)


-------

Host: Anong "L" (Lifeguard) ang tawag sa tao na sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw ay nalulunod?

Contestant: Lifebuoy?

Host: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan ng sabon ang pangalan ng
taong ito.

Contestant : Safeguard?

Host: Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot mo.

Contestant: Safe Buoy?

Host: Hindi siya "boy" at matipuno nga ang kaniyang katawan.

Contestant: Oh, si Mr.Clean!

--------------------------------------

Host: Anong "S" (Salbabida) ang ginagamit na flotation device sa dagat upang hindi ka malunod?

Contestant: Sirena?

Host: Hindi! Hindi ito babae.

Contestant: Siyokoy?

Host: Hindi ito lalake.

Contestant: Siyoke?
-------------------------

Host: What "S" (Sampaguita) is the national flower of the Philippines?

Contestant: Sunflower?

Host: Hindi. Binebenta ito sa kalye.

Contestant: Stork?

Host: Hindi. Bulaklak sabi eh.

Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak?

Host: Hindi pa rin. It ends with a letter "A".

Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak na may sukA?

Host: Oh, para madali, uulitin ko ang clues at dadagdagan ko pa! Ano ang pangalan ng bulaklak na nagsisimula sa "S", nagtata! ! pos sa letrang "A", at kapangalan ng isang sikat na singer?

Contestant: Si...Sharon CunetA!
----------------------------------------

Host: Sino ang national hero na naka-picture sa 500Peso bill? Clue: may initials na N.A. (Ninoy Aquino)

Contestant: N-ora A-unor?

Host: Hindi. Ang pangalan niya ay nage-end sa "Y".

Contestant: GuY Aunor?

Host: Hindi. Dati siyang Senador.

Contestant: Si Former Senator Guy Aunor?

Host: Hindi. Patay na siya.

Contestant: ANO??!! PATAY NA SI NORA AUNOR???!!!

--------------------------------------------

Old Chinese in death bed:
"Akyen junior 'ndyan ba?"
"Dito po!"

"Akyen panganay 'ndyan ba?"
"Dito po!"

"Akyen daughtel 'ndyan ba?"
"Dito po!"

"Akyen asawa 'ndyan ba?"
"Dito din honey!"

"Walahiya! Dito kayo lahat! Wala tao tindahan!" :P


Ito na lang ang bilhin mo signatures na signatures ang dating.

CK--------Cavite Kamiseta.
YSL-------Yari Sa Laguna.
UCB-------Under the Coconut tree in Baclaran.
DKNY------Divisoria Kanto Ng Ylaya.

At pag suot mo tong mga to pre, pang GQ model ang dating mo sa magazines:
GQ------ Galing Quiapo ----------

As we get older,

we are richer
Silver hair
Gold tooth
Stones in kidney
Oil in pace
Gas in tian
Careful daw at baka makidnap!


Chinese names for those born during new year

At Midnight Andy Lim
At Wedlock Tina Go
By Swindler Lino Co
Fat Boy Bob Uy
Different Eva Yan


A Rhose, by Any Other Name
By Matthew Sutherland

"A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches" --(Proverbs 22:1)

WHEN I arrived in the Philippines from the UK six years ago, one of the first cultural differences to strike me was names. The subject has provided a continuing source of amazement and amusement ever since.

The first unusual thing, from an English perspective, is that everyone here has a nickname. In the staid and boring United Kingdom, we have nicknames in kindergarten, but when we move into adulthood we tend, I am glad to say, to lose them.

The second thing that struck me is that Philippine names for both girls and boys tend to be what we in the UK would regard as overbearingly cutesyfor anyone over about five. "Fifty-five-year-olds with names that sound like five-year-olds", as one colleague put it. Where I come from, a boy with a nickname like Boy Blue or Honey Boy would be beaten to death at school by pre-adolescent bullies, and never make it to adulthood. So, probably, would girls with names like Babes, Lovely, Precious, Peachy or Apples. Yuk, ech ech. Here, however, no one bats an eyelid.

Then I noticed how many people have what I have come to call "door-bell names". These are nicknames that sound like - well, door-bells. There are millions of them. Bing, Bong, Ding, and Dong are some of the more common. They can be, and frequently are, used in even more door-bell-like combinations such as Bing-Bong, Ding-Dong, Ting-Ting, and so on. Even our newly-appointed chief of police has a doorbell name - Ping. None of these door-bell names exist where I come from, and hence sound unusually amusing to my untutored foreign ear. Someone once told me that one of the Bings, when asked why he was called Bing, replied "because my brother is called Bong". Faultless logic. Dong, of course, is a particularly funny one for me, as where I come from "dong" is a slang word for... well, perhaps "talong" is the best Tagalog equivalent.

Repeating names was another novelty to me, having never before encountered people with names like Len-Len, Let-Let,Mai-Mai, or Ning-Ning. The secretary I inherited on my arrival had an unusual one: Leck-Leck. Such names are then frequently further refined by using the "squared" symbol, as in Len2 or Mai2. This had me very confused for a while.

Then there is the trend for parents to stick to a theme when naming their children. This can be as simple as making them all begin with the same letter, as in Jun, Jimmy, Janice, and Joy. More imaginative parents shoot for more sophisticated forms of assonance or rhyme, as in Biboy,Boboy, Buboy, Baboy (notice the names get worse the more kids there are -- best to be born early or you could end up being a Baboy).

Even better, parents can create whole families of, say, desserts (Apple Pie, Cherry Pie, Honey Pie) or flowers (Rose, Daffodil, Tulip). The main advantage of such combinations is that they look great painted across your trunk if you're a cab driver.

That's another thing I'd never seen before coming to Manila - taxis with the driver's kids' names on the trunk.

Another whole eye-opening field for the foreign visitor is the phenomenon of the "composite" name. This includes names like Jejomar (for Jesus, Joseph and Mary), and the remarkable Luzviminda (for Luzon, Visayas and Mindanao, believe it or not). That's a bit like me being called something like "Engscowani" (for England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland).

Between you and me, I'm glad I'm not.

And how could I forget to mention the fabulous concept of the randomly-inserted letter 'h'. Quite what this device is supposed to achieve, I have not yet figured out, but I think it is designed to give a touch of class to an otherwise only averagely weird name. It results in creations like Jhun, Lhenn, Ghemma, and Jhimmy. Or how about Jhun-Jhun (Jhun2)?

There is also a whole separate field of name games -- those where the parents have exhibited a creative sense of humor on purpose. I once had my house in London painted by a Czechoslovakian decorator by the name of Peter Peter. I could never figure out if his parents had a fantastic sense of humor or no imagination at all -- it had to be one or the other. But here in the Philippines, wonderful imagination and humor is often applied to the naming process, particularly, it seems, in the Chinese community. My favourites include Bach Johann Sebastian; Edgar Allan Pe; Jonathan Livingston Sy; Magic Chiongson, Chica Go, and my girlfriend's very own sister, Van Go. I am assured these are real people, although I've only met two of them. I hope they don't mind being mentioned here.

How boring to come from a country like the UK full of people with names like John Smith. How wonderful to come from a country where imagination and exoticism rule the world of names. Even the towns here have weird names; my favorite is the unbelieveably-named town of Sexmoan (ironically close to Olongapo and Angeles).

Where else in the world could that really be true? Where else in the world could the head of the Church really be called Cardinal Sin? Where else in the world could Angel, Gigi and Mandy be grown-up men? Where else could you go through adultlife unembarrassed and unassailed with a name like Mosquito, or Pepper, or Honey Boy?

Where else but the Philippines!

English Translations of Filipino Names
NEW! Remigio Batungbacal
Remington Steel
NEW! Bienvenido Jurado
Ben Hur
NEW! Federico Hagibis
Federal Express
Eleoterio Ignacio
Electronic Ignition

Casimiro Bukaykay
Cashmir Bouquet

Rogelio Dagdag
Roger Moore

Topacio Mamaril
Top Gun

Restituto Pruto
Tutti Frutti

Samuel Tampipi
Sam Sonite

Veneracion De Asis
Venereal Disease

Francisco Portero
Frank Furter

Diosdado Durante
Deo Dorant


A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay" the man says, "I attended church every Sunday"
"That's good, says St. Peter, " that's worth two points"

"Two points?" he says. "Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church"
"Well, let's see," answers Peter, "that's worth another 2 points. Did you do anything else?"

"Two points? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's certainly worth a point, " he says.

"hmmm...," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"THREE POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"

"Come on in!"


 ----------------------------------------------------------

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't
take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to
greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you
can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought
pavement?!!!"


 -----------------------------------------------------------------------

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good- bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and
playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.

Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland
covered in garbage and Filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I
created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
 ----------------------------------------

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter
was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a
mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk
bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest.
'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the
taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

Click this link to see a cool new year e-card (sent to me by Roger David...Thanks Roger!)
http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=2665311042386&source=










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